Dear Tess,
I was extremely glad when you echoed my own excitement in this project, we barely know each other but I had a feeling that I should reach out to you. I’m not entirely sure where this project will take us. I suppose we will begin with a letter, or perhaps a series of letters. From one mother to another.
I was inspired by I love Dick by Chris Kraus. This novel slips between genres, a blur of autofiction, memoir and essay. It really explores themes of obsession, power and art – a feminist statement on patriarchal power. I loved how raw it was-the vulnerability in her desire in the letters she writes to Dick as her infatuation with him grows…
I know you told me briefly about Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden – which I haven’t yet read, but I have read Gillian Anderson’s Want – which is deemed the modern day version. Both centered around female desire. Although I will read Friday’s – mostly because I’d like to see if female desire has changed at all, although we have to account for some level of censorship on both Anderson and Friday’s part and perhaps if it has changed, it’s only because society allows for that change.
I guess the reason I wanted to write to you Tess is because, I’ve been doing work to dismantle shame around female desire but this has caused a bit of an avalanche inside my head. It’s specifically mothers desire I am interested in, because somehow we get a bit lost in the narrative-our own sexuality replaced by milk-our bodies as mushed as our brains.
In any case, our desire, mothers desire, has been constructed has it not? Just like woman.
I became an avid researcher of gender constructs during my undergraduate fine art degree. I intended my art-in the form of film and performance- to force people to question these constructs. This passion then lay dormant for many years whilst I became a mother and a wife, and a mother again, and again…But it has now come to fruition since my recent awakening. Take that as you will. Not to tie sexuality and gender together but there are definitely some crossovers, particularly where culture is concerned.
As a mother, both during pregnancy and afterwards, we are seen as the epitome of ‘womanly’ – aren’t we? But I have to admit I hated my body during my three pregnancy’s. I didn’t feel at home at all, not like mine-I guess I was sharing my body but on reflection perhaps it’s more than that really. I hated how big my boobs where, how round my body became and most importantly, how vulnerable my body felt. – I feel more at home in my athletic-ish body now, stronger, (maybe more masculine?) but it’s taken years to get there. Still I dream of how fast or strong I’d be if I had testosterone coursing through my veins…
It struck me that I’d never thought to really question it -my femininity-In many ways I love being femme; love my hair long and blonde, wearing dresses and makeup and fake tan. Are these feminine traits? I also love being competitive, particularly in sport. I love growing and running a business – for the last 4 years I have adopted a patriarchal role within our household. I went back to work when my youngest was 12 days old, and I had worked up until her due date. My husband has stayed at home, taken on more of the ‘unpaid mental load’ than I have – although I do think we make an effort to even it out. So we aren’t the traditional family in that sense. But then, I didn’t grow up with a traditional family either.
To be honest Tess, I have mostly questions for now, but I’d like to begin to unpick them. This is really to encourage the conversation, I do not expect you to have all the answers.
If women are constructs, is mother a construct too?
Is the mother an identity?
What about mothers who are non-binary/trans?
Are gender constructs tied so intrinsically to the mother?
To me, Mother holds connotations of nurturing, gentleness – barefoot meadow walks, soothing soft voices, homegrown food, baking cookies and endless amounts of patience. I joke – kind of – but the connotations are there, which is ironic given that mothers become mothers in such a primal, powerful way. But the pressure is endless and the construct is…unattainable? Or actually, what is the construct?
Perhaps what i’m really trying to tell you is that I’m on the verge of an identity crisis..but my question still stands – mothers get lost in the discussion of gender and sexual identity, don’t we? Or have I just missed the boat.
It’s as if our existence is secondary.
To echo my thoughts I’m including a quote from Andrea Dworkin – admittedly I found this on a blog post on Substack and I’m unable to find the original reference for but I felt it came just at the right moment…
“Woman is not born: she is made. In the making, her humanity is destroyed. She becomes symbol of this, symbol of that: mother of the earth, slut of the universe; but she never becomes herself because it is forbidden for her to do so.” – Andrea Dworkin
I loved this quote particularly for the slut of the universe part – I’m currently reading a book called Sluts edited by Michelle Tea – which is an anthology of writing which explores sexual promiscuity in contemporary culture…cue my next letter.
Maybe this will never amount to anything, but we started it anyway. A conversation that perhaps needs a bit of attention-for my own sanity.
I’m not really sure how to sign this letter off, formally? Yours? Regards? Or like many emails I write…
Best wishes,
Becy x
P.s – here is a recent musing from my notes app – because we all know that’s where our deepest thoughts reside.
Dear Mother 